Zoodles Pad Thai

Yesterday was a sad day in my kitchen. The last of the almond butter was added to the recipe below. I honestly had no idea what to do with myself for about an hour. I was lost and scared and confused. Then alas, a light flickered into my eyes as I gained a profound awareness of the ingredients in my pantry. I'm absolutely disgusting. I started eating walnuts covered in raw honey, coated with flax seeds. What is wrong with me. Funnnny thing about all of this is I'm pretty sure I got a big dose of snackers-karma this morning. I felt like absolute pooo this morning after the WOD and breakfast. I was literally on the verge of vomiting my too cooked eggs and kale all over the kitchen floor. There are a couple things that I believe could have set me off:

RIP FlaxSeeds. Yes that is a walnut
covered in honey. And seeds.

1. Kale - I let it soak in water and sloshed it around a little bit, but I didn't full clean it. I know this because I was biting in to gritty particles and it was nasty. Then the stomach pains hit and I immediately panicked thinking: What if this kale was grown in poop contaminated with some bacterium?? Sh*t I knew I should have bought organic. But I didn't have enough money. And besides organic would likely have more poo pathogens from hippie compost. I'm going to die.
2. Toasted Flax Seeds - I'm a big dummy. I know flax seed meal/ground flax seed is supposed to be refrigerated, but I didn't think about toasted flax seeds. I've been eating these things with just about everything - almond butter, protein shakes, honey coated walnuts - and they've just been chillin' outside in my pantry. Then today as I was indulging on more honey coated walnuts I realized that right on the package it says "Refrigerate After Opening"so of course, once the stomach pains hit the following went through my mind: What if they went rancid and developed some sort of toxicity that's going to permeate my intestinal walls and wreak havoc on my digestive system?? Wait, let me google this...[googlage]...f*ck it says they'll start to smell and taste like paint thinner. Did they taste like paint thinner? I feel like they did (mind you I have no idea what pain thinner smells or tastes like) I'm going to die.
3. Honey - My first clue should have been the label "Jersey Fresh". Anything from Jersey is bound to be trash and most certainly not fresh. Especially when you consider the fact that I picked it up from basically what was an outhouse converted into a "take your own honey" stand on the side of some sketch-a$$, 2 lane road in rural South Jersey. Just kidding Jersey readers, your state doesn't always smell like trash. And I hope your honey isn't going to cause me to keel over and die in the near future. My second clue should have probably been its appearance. When moisture gets into honey it starts to crystalize and harden. So basically, I start thinking: Holy apis mellifera (honey bee's latin name, I'm gay) what if the moisture contained some sort of brain eating fungus. What if that fungi's favorite substrate is trashy Jersey honey? I'm going to die. 

The Kale in question. And eggs
doused in hot sau5.

Upon further inspection I believe it was indeed the toasted flax seeds. They smelled what I think paint thinner would smell like and now that I think about it, they didn't taste golden and toasted. More like paint. Fail. I'm alive though. Thank g for y'all. What would you do without me and my recipes.

It's actually been an emotional day now that I think about it. With the loss of the almond butter last night and the absence of meat in my life, I'm kind of a basket case. I knew I was going to my mom's tomorrow for a long weekend so I didn't bother defrosting the turkey in my freezer. I dug back to my roots though and made a few vegetarian recipes, but let's be real: I'm blood-thirsty now. For local. Grass-fed. Juicy. Meat. AND my vitamins didn't show up. AND I can't eat chocolate. AND I think my back is about to give out from the deadlifts I did yesterday. AND I got weird sick this morning. Rough mother-trucking day.

Back to the food. I don't miss pasta all that much. It's more pizza. And cheese. Mmmm cheese. But pasta? Meh. It makes me super bloated, hot I know, and I feel like poop after - mind you that's a totally different thing than poopin' after, because that would not be something to necessarily complain about. But that's what gluten will do to you folks. I do love things that you can ADD to pasta though. Like pesto and Alfredo sauce, and a meaty marinara. So far I haven't seen anything that closely resembles Alfredo sauce that's paleo, this may be something to tackle in the near future. Another thing I love that's based around pasta? Pad Thai. I largely based this recipe on what the lovely folks over at Health-Bent came up with. In my opinion, it's the best paleo-ified pad thai. My tastebuds can read and they liked their ingredient list the best. 

Couple things about this recipe: fish sauce stinks. It made me gag when it splurted all over my face and arms. I don't think I've ever taken a whiff of it head-on. Big mistake. Bleh. Comment number two, I made it veg-style, however, this recipe would be amaaazing with grilled shrimp, chicken, or really any other meat. Except for maybe antelope, which I'm dying to try. You could even get some fajita steak strips sans fajita seasonings up in there.

Zoodles of Noodles Pad Thai

• 1/4 cup coconut oil
• 2-3 zucchinis
• 1 white onion, finely diced
• 5 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
• 2 tablespoons fresh ginger, minced
• 3 tablespoons almond butter
• 1 tablespoon chili garlic sauce
• 1 tablespoon fish sauce
• 1 lime, juiced
• Basil for garnish
• Sprouts for garnish
• Walnuts, chopped, for garnish
• Salt and pepper to taste

1. Take the zucchinis and either a mandoline (if you're lucky enough to have one), a potato peeler, a julienner (still no word on whether or not this appliance is real), or a knife (if you're ghetto). I used a peeler and mine's really cool and attaches to my finger and i just peeled the shit outta the zucchinis. They were in perfect noodle strips and it worked for me. Stop peeling when you get down to the seedy area. Set the strips (or chunks if you use a knife) aside in a bowl. 

2. Over medium heat, melt the coconut oil in a large saucepan. Saute the onion, garlic, and ginger until the onion is translucent and everything is fragrant and wonderful. Mmmm.

3. Add in the ACVinegar, chili garlic sauce, fish sauce, lime juice, almond butter, and a bit of salt. Stir everything up to get an even colored sauce.

4. Add the zoodles (zucchini noodles) to the pan and stir to incorporate the sauce. Let the noodles chill in the sauce for about 10 minutes so they enjoy a nice saucy hot tub experience. 


5. Spoon that sh*t hot into a bowl. Garnish with sprouts of your choice - I used alfalfa sprouts, and throw some basil in there. A fresh squeeze of a lime slice would do this baby good as well. Enjoy!


My apologies if that recipe doesn't make sense. I wrote some of it while Mark was bothering me on FaceTime. He doesn't get to come with me to the awesome funpark I'm going to trespass at at some point on campus as punishment for being mean to me. We're going rock climbing this weekend though which I'm stoked about. I bought us Groupons for a long session for Christmas after we went in Raleigh, North Carolina with one of our homies. Mark's really good because his long ass legs and lean 2% body fat body can basically hop around the wall. Me? More struggs than a boy in uggs. I end up looking awkward and failing when I realize I need upper body strength. Damnit. 

PLAYGROUND. But really, corp training area or something. I bruised my tailbone on this thing
a while ago when I thought I was cute and my chubbiness weighed me down and I slipped
and ate sh*t. I'm so coordinated. Balance is not my friend. That's why it says NO TRESPASSING.
For people like me.