Sunday, February 19, 2012

Rear-Wheel Stranded

Mark was here this weekend. Well not true, he was here for Saturday/Sunday morning, which I naturally gave him shit about. I don't know why I still have a boyfriend considering how much of a b*tch I can be and how much I eat. Maybe it's because we look like this and we're all each other can get.

We were in a rather classy establishment too. No class.
He got all nervous when it started snowing because apparently front-wheel (his) and rear-wheel (mine) cars suck in the snow. Especially when you have track/summer tires on, which he does. Now, considering the winter we've had - read: lack thereof - those tires wouldn't be problematic. Cue 50+ degree weather yesterday (yay!) and butt-loads of snow today (boo) and now we have a problem. Only in Blacksburg. Thanks global warming, you're turning out to be more bipolar than I am! So I kept being like bro it's not gonna stick. Then it started snowing like an angel's coke habit fell out of her stash spot in the sky for like 7 minutes and it started sticking. Then the "I told you so's" began. I hate being told "I told you so". So after a ginormous breakfast of snacking on this delicious "pumpkin cookie dough dip" which I made for my cheat day while we waited for our eggs + egg whites combo to cook, he left and so began mine and Elle's adventure.

A quick note on my "cheat days" - they keep me sane. Now I don't go and down gluten like it's national toast day or anything (lamest joke ever? Does that even exist???) in fact the only gluten I've had on my cheat days so far was a sip of a beer and last night a full beer. Did I pay for it? A bit. I didn't overdo it. And it was a Dogfish Head 90 minute IPA. It just wanted to be imbibed. I follow Timothy Ferriss's advice for cheat days, which he details in The 4-Hour Body < which you can buy or "preview" there. It's good stuff. Maybe not strictly paleo - he LOVES legumes a love of which I share - but the 2 ideologies can be combined. That's what I practice. A Robb Wolf + Timothy Ferriss combo. I read both The Paleo Solution and The 4-Hour Body over winter break in Phoenix, Arizona. They're both science-y and nerdy like me, and I like what they both had to say. Sorry if you're a die-hard caveman/woman. There are plenty of blogs out there for ya. I really like what Juli Bauer has to say on Paleo. You can check it out on her blog PaleOMG which is a. Hilarious, b. Inspirational, and c. Awesome. She's basically who I aspire to be. Maybe my little wimpy arms will someday be able to lift not only my large-and-in-charge body, but some heavy duty barbells as well. Now that I've creepily confessed my girl crush, here's that pumpkin dip. Recipe here thanks to Chocolate-Covered Katie. She sounds like fun eh? 
Addicting I tell you. Cheat day be damned.
Now that I've totally digressed from my story, let's get back. So this is what the snow originally looked like after Mark had left and I'd spent a ridiculous amount of time meal planning, stalking blogs, and making a weird, color-coded grocery list. Normally, I just write sh*t down. This time? I doodled and made it all pretty on a sheet of loose-leaf paper. I'm cute right? 

I think my drawing of kale is probably my favorite. Like WTF was I thinking? Oh and JOOSE for grapefruit juice? Really? I thought I was really clever and funny when I drew this. Now it's embarrassing. You'll notice that my produce section is FILLED TO THE BRIM. How you like dem apples? Or carrots. Or tomatoes? I've got a ton of meat stocked up in my freezer, so that's like last priority. And isn't that light dusting of snow cute? Elle and I thought so. We were gonna have some fun traipsing around Heritage Park. Which we did. Elle goes bat-sh*t cray in the snow. She sprints and tries to eat the ground (freak) and then coughs because she gets water down the wrong pipe then randomly voms in the middle of the path near the children that are sledding. Whoops. Didn't bring a sh*t bag for that one. And she bites my arm. Home girl comes from a line of Schutzhund champs. Basically Schutzhund is like CrossFit for dogs. Actually, that's an amazing comparison. I'm so damn smart sometimes. So yeah, Schutzhund literally means "Protection Dog" and so she's got a natural inclination to bite your forearm. Naturally, I didn't train her not to when she was a pup, so now my 6 year old old lady still greets me mouth open (better than legs!) and does it a bit harder when she's all riled up. Not cool. Also she bites and hangs on to her leash. Cute - but not when I'm trying to film her, she gets REAL rambunctious, whips the metal clasp at me, leading to me dropping my iPhone. I have it on film. Pretty sure you can hear me say F*CK real loud and you definitely see my sausage thighs bendin over to rescue it before you can say "Water-Damage".

Heritage Park - Pre-Blizzard
I love the mountains. Heritage Park used to be a beef-cow place. Farm. Whatever. And then they converted it to a park when it went under is my guess. It's awesome. There's old beat-up barns and tractor pieces and a bunch of other sh*t I don't know how to describe. Like silos. And A LATRINE. Or outhouse. Not sure which is the proper term.

Notice the difference in sky coloration. Maybe? Now they kind of look the same. But shit got real. I was drenched in snow. It was wet snow. Although I'm not sure what dry snow is. But whatever, you know what I mean. Maybe.

I love that hat. It's so fluffy, not very stable, but so bright. I love bright things. Especially bright green. Oh and those boots - uhhh-maze. They used to piss me off because the liner would get all bunched and I'd get frustrated and rip them, but then I realized I have to put them on like tights. Now, we love each other. They're made by Hunter. You know, that brand that USED to make rain boots for us barn-folks but now it's like for all the gurlz in every color and hue of the mother-f*cking rainbow. Who am I kidding. I say barn-folks like I get down and dirty at 5am feeding cows. No. I go out and play with our horses and make Elle do some agility work on the jumps. 

So then we continue walking (back to Heritage) and Elle sees a snowman and FREAKS out. She's all like WHAT THE HELL IS THIS WHITE THING. I feel like people probably say that about me a lot. Especially during the painful, pale winter months. Her loud booming bark scares the sh*t out of anyone in a 2 mile radius - I'm being realistic here for once - and so I'm all like alright b*tch. Enough of your chatter, let's gopher. Yes, gopher. My intelligent, cunning German Shepherd has figured out that "Go for a ride in the car" can be shortened to "Gopher". Actually, Mark and I figured this out. Scratch that, Mark figured this out. And now every time you say "Elle want gophers?" She FREAKS out. Freaks. She gets this head tilt and barks and runs around the house and looks at you like CMON MOM LET'S GOPHER ALREADY. And so we go.

We had a decently long walk. Elle was pulling me like a sled dog for some of it. I was actually quite impressed with her stamina. Coming from a lazy-ass dog who sleeps in MY spot on MY bed all day while I'm slaving away behind a bullsh*t computer screen on my ass, she packed some serious energy today. BEAST MODE ENGAGE Eleanor. 

We get in the car and immediately I'm like "oh sh*t" I think it snowed a good 235 inches since I was last in the car. Leave it to a Northern Virginia-er to completely over-react about ANY sort of inclement weather. And I did. I seriously went like 2 miles an hour in a 25 mph zone. So. Bad. Ass. Usually it's like 27 if I'm feeling dangerous. Yeah right. Who am I kidding, I have more speeding tickets than a cheetah. If cheetah's got clocked for speed infractions. I have like 40 points on my license. Unfortunately, the DMV plays the whole golf-score game where the lowest is best. I call bullsh*t. 

So I'm going granny slow in my rear-wheel drive car. Luckily I have new tires and I'm PRETTY sure they're all season, so I definitely could have gone faster, but I was over-reacting. And I had my baby in the car. I didn't wanna chance anything. I get on 460, which is like a highway-esque thing and I'm goin 35 in a 55. Pickin it up a little now. But it's comin down. Then I remember not only do I live at the bottom of a HUGE hill, but I have a HUGE driveway to go up. How does that make sense? Bottom of the hill, top of the driveway? Whatever. Just try to picture it. Now I really freak out. I'm already plotting how I'm going to get to CrossFit in the morning - by walking - and Kroger - of course freaking out about food - also by walking. Then I remember - wait, I'll be dead after the WOD and I'll have to carry home so. many. bags. Naturally, because I eat like a whale. I decide to put it out of my mind, turn onto the street (with the massive downward sloping hill) and I see this: 

And I'm all like OH HELL NO. I'm either a. Going to DIE. or b. Going to get in a crippling accident. Never mind that while I was thinking this, I was also brilliantly trying to capture the moment with my f*cking camera phone but hey, desperate times call for desperate measures and this CLEARLY needed to be documented. I had to send it to Mark in case he thought I just sucked at driving and smashed my car into a tree or fence or horse or cow in a light dusting of snow. This was no light dusting folks. 

Long story short, I MADE IT. Bianca (my car) was slip sliding all the way up the driveway but she got me there safe. I swear that car loves me to death despite how bad I treat her sometimes. She carries me to the gas station WELL after the "miles to go" meter has reached - - - - which is a step past 0000. AND she gets me home in blizzard-like conditions.

And for that, Bianca, I thank you.

Once I got home, I realized I wasn't going anywhere, probably not for 27 days. So I did what any person would do and started building up my fat stores by eating pecan and almond butter sandwiches. Then I cried because I was going to get charged another $1.26 or whatever it is because I couldn't get to Redbox to return Drive. SWOON, Ryan Gosling. DAYUM. Wish me luck on leaving the house and not starving. I've got enough dark chocolate and almond butter (2 jars and Mom's Valentine's day present [read: death/chunk wish]) to last me a few days or so, so there may be hope for me after all. 
Check out those beautiful nails and creamy goodness. YUM.

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