Pistachio Garlic Dill Salmon & Spicy Baby Bok Choy

Oh my goodness I'm so happy right now I could pee myself! And I'm not even jumping! I received an email from the university where I'll be doing my masters and I HAVE HOMEWORK!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOO MUCH READING. I. am. so. pumped. I have been going absolutely stir crazy not having anything really to do. I yearn for my days at the library huddled up in a corner cubby on the quiet floor, reading with highlighter in hand, getting nervous butterflies about whatever exam I'm studying for or because I truly enjoy the sh*t that I read. Yeah, I get butterflies from reading. That's how you know you're doing/pursuing/studying the right thing. When you literally could well up in tears just from talking about the subject you are so passionate about. I get this way with a lot of things. It's something I had to train myself to do. You can either look at life and your studies like everything sucks or is boring or just necessary and just go through the motions, idly living an essentially meaningless life, OR you could truly live in all senses of the word and approach life with unending curiosity, passion, and excitement. It's an attitude thing. Change the way you see things and the things around you change. I promise you this. This applies to everything in life too, not just your job. One of my main men Einstein said in his brief essay, The World How I See It: 

The really valuable thing in the pageant of human life seems to me not the political state, but the creative, sentient individual, the personality; it alone creates the noble and the sublime, while the herd as such remains dull in thought and dull in feeling.

Follow your bliss. - Joseph Campbell
Another one of my main (possibly favoritest) men. 

Make sure that, above all, you stay true to yourself and you constantly strive to be the highest individual you can be. You are, in fact, an individual, despite the pressures that society places on us to conform to the herd. Be weird. Embrace your weirdness, your passions, your curiosity, because those things are going to be what makes you, you. And trust me, feeling that you are truly yourself and not the product of something trivial and outside your control is the most enlightening feeling in the world. It's scary to think that people may look at you like you're some freak for blogging way too much about your personal life and recipes, or losing all ties to the crazy party life you had before, or being super into tough, gut-wrenching workouts and the pursuit of optimum nutrition and athletic performance, but who cares? If you stay true to you, the opinions of others won't matter, and in fact, they'll reinforce your perception of you and make you stronger and inspire you to work harder.

In an era dominated by superfluous amounts of information, both valid and absurd - yet, not always distinguishable - be sure to look upon the world with an insatiable curiosity, a critical eye, and constantly question everything. Even yourself. That's my rant on life. Sorry everyone, I'm just super giddy right now and I haven't felt like this in a while. I just don't want to see you all become sheeple. I want people to feel the invigorating sense of individuality that I feel on an almost daily basis. Sure, we all become preoccupied with negativity and insecurity and falter with that sense of individuality, but we must push through it and constantly try to have a good attitude. Attitude is key. That's all I'll say on that. Again, I apologize for the ramblings.

Gah, I got so worked up about all this I can't think of a recipe to post. I did, however, remember that I wanted to comment on my night last night. So for once in my life, I had a significant amount of energy post 8pm. Because it was Allyson's birthday the night before I wanted to go out and celebrate with her. We ended up going to TOTS, a bar I typically try to steer clear from because I'm awkward at small talk and I tend to see way too many people I know there from like eight years back. That's an exaggeration, I'm not that old. Also, they have a big night on Tuesday and I knew I was going to be the most soberific person there. Fact. I cannot even begin to explain to you how many couples I saw gettin' ALL up in each others faces/mouths/etc. Gross. Seriously, cut it with the PDA. Y'all are drunk and nasty, and although you provide me some entertainment, it gets kind of nauseating after 17 minutes of straight sloppy mouth devouring. Bleghhh.

I WAS going to drink one glass of red wine, but fail. TOTS does not have wine. Rude, TOTS, rude. I think I'm probably the ONLY person who's ever asked for wine at a crowded, cluster-f*ck of a get-wasted bar, so yeah, that's cool. But I was going to ask if the bar tender could put it in a normal glass so I didn't look like such a pretentious f*ck. Oh well, water with lemon it was. At least I looked like I was drinking to the untrained eye. I wanted to white-girl dance. I suck at dancing. All those years of dancing way back when sure as hell did not help out my club dancing skill. I end up looking drunk. But not in the good way. People kept playin' sh*t ass music for karaoke and I couldn't get my groove on. Not to mention the gentleman who did a vocal guitar rendition of some popular, 90's bar song and literally wreaked havoc upon my ear drums. I like country music SOMETIMES. Sometimes being when I'm super obliterated at a country concert and the weather is nice outside and I pee in gravel parking lots. Classy. That was certainly not the case last night, so please people, keep the terrible renditions of country songs during karaoke night to a minimum and let's get some Ke$ha or other trashy - yet often catchy - pop songs up in thurr. Like Katy Perry. Her tatas are fabulous. Sorry, had to say it.

I meant to post this all (above) yesterday but then I got sucked in to watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution. Holy crap Huntington, West Virginia is large and in charge. I totally support his idea, although maybe not stuffin' those chunkers full of pastas and whole grains, but at LEAST it's a step in the right direction. It makes me hate local, state, and federal government bullsh*t red tape even more though. Our "food pyramid" is f*cked. That's all on that. Here's the recipe finally...

Pistachio Garlic Dill Salmon & Sautéed Spicy Baby Bok Choy
Makes 4 servings
Salmon: 

• 4 6-8 ounce Salmon Filets (skin on & wild caught)
• 1/2 of a lemon, juiced (about 4-5 tablespoons)
• 2-3 teaspoons dill, finely minced
• 2 teaspoons minced garlic
• 1 teaspoon lemon pepper seasoning
• 3-4 tablespoons ghee/butter/fat of choice (I used ghee)
• 2 tablespoons crushed pistachios - I used Everybody's Nuts Salt & Pepper 'stachies
• 1/4 cup red wine

1. Preheat the oven to 475 degrees. 

2. Melt the fat of choice and stir in lemon juice, dill, garlic, seasonings, and pistachios. Brush the mixture over the salmon filets and pour remained over the filets evenly to get the large chunks of the pistachios on.

3. Place a 1/4 cup of red wine at the bottom of a baking dish and place the salmon filets on top. 

4. Roast for about 12-15 minutes depending on the thickness of your filet. 

Spicy Baby Bok Choy: 

• 4 heads of Baby Bok Choy, diced
• 1 1/2 tablespoon Toasted Sesame Oil
• 2 Garlic cloves, sliced
• 1/4 teaspoon Crushed Red Pepper
• 1 tablespoon Tamari or Coconut Aminos

1. Heat oil over medium heat in a large soup pot. Add garlic and cook stirring constantly until fragrant, about 30 seconds.
2. Add bok choy and stir to coat in oil, cover and cook about 3 minutes. Uncover, add crushed red pepper and tamari, stir in and cover and cook 2-3 minutes more. 

3. Uncover and continue to cook 3-4 more minutes until stalks of the bok choy are soft to the touch. 

4. Serve hot alongside the salmon filets!

Deconstructed Bacon, Arugula, & Caramelized Onion Egg Sammies

I am absolutely loving the weather we have going on in Southwest Virginia right now. It's glorious, simply glorious and it makes taking Elle out so much more enjoyable. It makes everything more enjoyable too. Like eating breakfast on your deck. Which I did this morning. Weee. I also got my juicer today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So. Effing. Stoked. Mark bought it for me as a graduation/grad school acceptance gift. He rocks. Nuf' said.

I'm obsessed with it. I know some people aren't fans of juices because you're not workin' to really get the nutrients out of the veggies but sh*t man. Have any of those people ever had beet ginger juice? Didn't think so. Now I can make pitchers and pitchers full and have vibrant magenta teeth whenever I want! Mmmm I'm gonna look soooo good.

So the theme of this week seems to be bacon. Let me share a little tid-bit of information with you guys. I haven't eaten bacon in like 5+ years. Before I was a pesca I hated bacon. Something about Wendy's, raw bacon, and it creeping me out. So needless to say I was a little hesitant to cook with it. But I bought some uncured, and thus nitrate free, side-cut bacon from Bright's Farm in Floyd, VA and made a delicious anytime meal, which I'll share with you in a minute!

After the recipe I was left with a fat-pack of bacon that needed to be eaten so my mornings have been filled with the heavenly aroma of frying pork fat that I've seasoned with Todd's Dirt. God made dirt and dirt don't hurt. That's my motto. Especially when it comes to the 5 second rule. Me let food go to waste? Psh. You're funny.

Honestly, I haven't been doing very many interesting things recently so I don't have a whole lot to chat about. Weird. Usually that's the complete opposite. Lucky you guys you'll get to the recipe quicker.

It was my friend Allyson's birthday yesterday!!!!! Yay happy birthday for the billionth time lady! I sent her several really weird happy birthday texts and wall posts. I'm sure they were the highlight of her day... We went to Olive Garden for her b-day dinner though and holy moly is it hard to eat paleo there. I must be a freak because I don't like their breadsticks to begin with, so no problems there. Probably a good thing considering my whole gluten issue. But eeeeverything on the menu is either pasta or pasta. That makes sense. I'm still working on getting my 3 or 90 year old digestive system to cooperate so I didn't wanna chance anything and I got the endless salad. Mistake. The tiniest bit of cheese on it and whatever dressing they used made my stomach puff up like a balloon. After salad. Are you effing kidding me? So I walked around Walmart with Allyson after to try to get it to go down. I bought Key Lime scented candles and they smell awesome. And they're green. 2 points for candles! There be some straaaaange people in Walmart though. Holy moly. That is all.

Then today she and I went to walk our pups around Heritage Park and they went swimming and had a blast and I found some cool fungi and rescued Elle from the rapidly moving current. She is so dumb. She doesn't know how to swim very well which doesn't ever become a problem because she likes to sprint up and down the shallow banks. Today, however, she went in a bit too deep and got caught up in the current of a creek. Not much current. She ended up getting stuck near the bank on a tree root and kept whining for me to save her. She was being a baby. It was not that hard. But I went and grabbed her by the collar and helped her up and what does she do to repay me? Drips nasty creek water ALL over my iphone and then shakes her sopping wet coat all over me. Thaaaanks Smeleanor. B*tch. Literally.

I just wasted soo much time not writing this because I found an awesome website. It's called #WhatShouldWeCallMe and it's basically GIF's (I have no idea what that stands for so don't ask, animated, repeating pictures for those who don't know) that describe people's expressions or reactions to things. For example: this one describes my life...

When I see my favorite food: 

Almond butter, dark chocolate, coconut milk ice cream - all produce
the same facial reaction. GIMMMEEE

Seriously they're hilarious. Go there. And waste hours of your day. Gahhh now I just remembered I bought coconut milk ice cream today and I want to go eat it. RECIPE TIME.

Deconstructed Bacon, Arugula, & Caramelized Onion Egg Sammies
Makes 2 "Sandwiches" or servings

• 4 slices uncured Bacon
• 2 cups thinly sliced White or Yellow Onion
• 1 tablespoon Water
• 1 teaspoon Mexican Hot Sauce (Cholula) 
• 1 tablespoon Ghee or butter
• 1/4 teaspoon Raw Honey
• 2+ large eggs (depending on how many you want per serving)
• Sea Salt & Coarse Ground Pepper to taste
• 2 cups Arugula
• 1/2 cup of Raw Almonds, coarsely chopped

1. Cook bacon in a nonstick skillet. Start with the bacon in the cold skillet and gradually heat up over medium heat. I used pretty thick bacon so it took quite a while for everything to get bubbly and crisp. A good rule of thumb is to wait until the fat becomes slightly translucent, then flip to the other side for about 5 minutes. Feel free to season the uncured bacon with whatever spices you'd like. For this recipe I just stuck with plain Jane bacon. 

2. Once cooked, remove bacon from pan, reserving the drippings, and place on a paper-towel lined plate to absorb the excess fat. 

3. Add the onion, water, and hot sauce into the pan with the bacon drippings and stir to mix together. Cover and cook 3 minutes. Stir in the ghee and honey, re-cover and cook 3 more minutes. Uncover and add the 1/2 cup of raw almonds in with the onions and cook for 5 minutes, or until the onions are golden brown, stirring frequently. Set aside and keep warm. 

4. Drain some of the excess bacon fat in the skillet and crack the eggs into it. Season with salt and pepper, to taste. Cook for about 2-3 minutes, gently flip the eggs separately and cook for 1 minute or until you're satisfied with the yolk-hardness. Runny yolks are good for this recipe because they help incorporate all the flavors!

5. Plate the arugula evenly between the plates, top with bacon, egg, and caramelized onion-almond mixture. The almonds are meant to provide the crunch that a bread sandwich would give and, in my opinion, far supersedes that gluten-ous nightmare. 

6. Enjoy! Feel free to top with additional hot sauce!

Mmmm bacon

Pumpkin Pecan Pancakes with Raw Honey

I always forget like 90% of the things I wanted to write about whenever I pull up a new post. Brain tends to slip out the window. I need to be back in school. Graduated life is killing my brain cells. Short sentences galore!

Elle keeps glaring at me. I think she's sort of peeved at me for making her workout. Our Saturday hike was sooper fun. The weather has been glorious recently and so a sh*t ton of people and their dogs - of all shapes and sizes - were at Pandapas Pond where we went. Luckily for Miss Bark of Death and me most people are lazy as sh*t and walk either the loop around the pond or the flat Poverty Creek trail. Not us! I hate keeping Elle on a leash because she's well trained and stays with me when I tell her to and goes off ahead of me if I say it's okay. Most of the time even when I say it's okay she just follows behind RIGHT up on my heels. It's kind of annoying. The backs of my heels always hit her in the face if her head is too low. Sorry I'm not sorry Eleanor, it's your fault. So because I wanted some privacy we hiked the "Most Difficult" trails. My bum and legs were burnin' allll the next day and most of today, although that could have been the back squats. Guess how many people we saw? Like 3 tops. Quit being lazy people and get those legs movin' up something. Actually don't. I like my privacy. We ran into a big Bernese Mountain dog too. I'm obsessed with them. And guess what? Elle didn't bark. Big dogs people, big dogs.

Modeling my awesome backpack that
Mark got me for Christmas!!!! Best boyf ever.

Taking in the scenery and greenery.
She's actually pissed she couldn't hop up.

WHITE DIAMONDS. Aka steep. My poor butt. This was the view
from behind. Luckily for you, not my behind. 

Before we went hiking I stopped at Annie Kay's Whole Foods to get a snack for the hike (orrrr car ride over, tomayto tomahto). I mentioned last week about my obsession with Sweet Water Baking Co's KaWow Cacao. Sadly for me I think I bought them all out. Which was good because I was hoping they wouldn't have them. Instead they had Greenergy which is another one of their amaze-ball bars. Holy hell y'all need to try this. It's covered with bee pollen. And it's got carob powder in it. Nuf' said. 


Back to the hike. Once Elle and I reached the bottom of our first trail we walked over to a beautiful creek where she proceeded to go bat sh*t cray. I dunno what it is that's in the water there but home girl freaked the f out. I love seeing her act like a puppy. It warms my heart. We logged a little over 6 miles total and had a wonderful time! Successful Saturday I'd say!

Sunday I slept in for the first time in FOR-EV-ER. Literally, I cannot remember the last time I didn't have an alarm set for post 8am. I woke up around 8 but forced myself to try to keep sleeping off and on for a bit longer. My phone was at the bottom of my bed, computer out of reach, and Elle woke up super early vomiting up the remains of the rib bone I gave her which she stupidly ate all of, but then she passed out probably exhausted from heaving. I'm not a terrible owner. I rubbed her back and comforted her. But she's dumb sometimes. She's also a really considerate puker as she politely puked on her doggy bed and not my bedroom carpet. She definitely does not take after her owner who has embarrassingly puked in very inappropriate places before. Another reason why I refuse to drink vodka and rarely drink anymore. I'm irresponsible with alcohol. And almond butter. Guh.

Makeup organized on my sink. I was really
proud of this. It'll prob stay like this since
it never gets used. My social life rocks.

I cleaned the crap out of my apartment though. And watched a ridiculous amount of Chopped and Sweet Genius. Two more of my crippling addictions. If they ever put me on either of those shows I'd fail miserably first round in. Those judges on Chopped are brave man. Eating goat brains and shihhh? Nawww dawg. I'm good. And the guy on Sweet Genius is so creepy! His eye gestures really bother me. Kind of how other people must feel when I awkwardly wink at them. Or smile. With food in my teeth probs. And I know Ronny boy is like super insanely talented but I don't think it's fair that he's the only judge. NOT that you guys care.

Ok so today's recipe is kind of awesome. George over at Civilized Caveman Cooking Creations (love that alliteration) came up with this gem and I modified it slightly. These Pumpkin Pecan Pancakes with Raw Honey are the cats pajamas. They're super-human ability enhancers too. Don't believe me? Check my post from a couple days ago. Sure I thought they were gonna make me keel over and die at certain points in the workout but who cares they tasted amazing going down, I'm sure they wouldn't have been too bad comin' up. Ew, Emily, gross. TMI. Story of my life. I halved the batch because I'm eating for one (sad face) and because I know I have 0 self control and would probably have eaten all 10 if given the chance. I saved me from myself. That's a first. No wait, I covered these babies with almond butter and copious amounts of honey. Food: 1029412, Emily: 0. Shouldn't there be a slaughter rule??

Paleo (Duh) Pumpkin Pecan Pancakes with Raw Honey
Makes about 10 pancakes - Easily halved, doubled, or even
tripled for you Rx Beasts!

• 6 Eggs
• 6 tablespoons Coconut Milk (I used carton milk)
• 3 teaspoons Raw Honey + extra for drizzling
• 1/2 teaspoon Sea Salt
• 8 tablespoons Coconut Flour
• 4 tablespoons Pumpkin Puree (not pumpkin pie filling!)
• 1/3 cup chopped Pecans (use less or more or completely omit, depending on your nut obsession status)
• 1 teaspoon Cinnamon
• 1 teaspoon Nutmeg
• 1 teaspoon Allspice 
• Coconut oil spray, or some other griddle greaser

1. Combine all the ingredients except for the griddle-greaser in a medium mixing bowl. 

2. Use a silicone whisk (for a workout) or an electric mixer and beat until there are no lumps or chunks. 

3. Preheat a skillet or griddle to medium heat or 350 degrees, respectively, and spray with coconut oil or melt other oil/fat on top. 

4. Spoon the batter onto the pan in the size and shape you desire. 

5. Each pancake takes about 4-5 minutes per side, so make sure you're keeping track because these guys won't bubble up like traditional pancakes. A good way to test if they're ready to flip is by seeing if a spatula will slide easily underneath!

6. Serve hot with raw honey or 100% maple syrup drizzled over top. Or almond butter. Or all three. Go crazy!

Check back tomorrow for BACON.

Beefy Baked Italian-Style Cauliflower

I want to savor this post because the recipe is truly amazing, but I also want to go hiking. So I'm going to write as fast as I can and get as much word vomit out. That means you should expect grammatical errors and way too many commas. As usual. I never, ever review my work. My English professors hate it. My logic behind it is there are editors for a reason. If my story, arguments, or points are strong, my spelling impeccable, and my prose logical with a touch of whimsy, then who the f cares if I place waaaay too many commas than necessary in my papers. I write like vomit. It just spills and flows out of me and I pause a lot because my brain works slow. Hence the comma. Not that you guys care.

I went to the Blacksburg Farmer's Market today after the morning workout. It's such a glorious day out. That's why I'm writing this fast. Tomorrow's my day off from life but I HAD to give you all this recipe. It's that good. Back to the market though...I love that it's been running for most of the new year. Meat is good year round folks. And some veggies. Like my fav's leafy greens. Mmmm. I bought some fresh spinach from a vendor whose name is completely slipping out of my mind at the moment and some breakfast sausage, jumbo eggs, and raw dog bones for Miss Eleanor from Bruce & Teresa Caldwell over at Cavalier Farms. They breed Aussie's too and they had the most adorable, 8 month old, Blue Merle little girl. I WANT. NOW. She gave me soooo many puppy kisses. I must have tasted really good and salty from the sweat pouring down my face earlier. Who the f puts thrusters in a workout after yesterdays Open madness. Hate you right now CrossFit Blacksburg. But at least it was a partner workout. My partner Amanda was awesome. She saved my butt in the thrusters. We had some great teamwork going on.

I also bought some sodium-free spice mix that Kathleen Anderson over at Nanny's Garden put together. She found the recipe in an American Heart Association cookbook and decided to put some pre-made mixes together for people like me to put on kale chips. It's so peppery and delicious I cannot wait to use it.
AND she gave me a Buy, Eat, Live Local bumper sticker! I know my mom will kill me if I put it on my car so there it sits. Right next to a dead bee. I'm so happy :)

Mark keeps making fun of the slogan. He's all like obviously you live local, where else would you live. Smarta$$. It's the point of living in Blacksburg. Like a deeper meaning of the word live. You get what I'm saying right? Maybe not. Oh well.

By the time I get home it's almost 11 or so and Elle hadn't eaten yet. So I was a nice owner and gave her a bone to hold her over while I took my vitamins. Let's go over a hypothetical situation first before I get into why this act of kindness turned out to be a problem. Would you give me a bowl of almond butter covered in chocolate chips and shredded coconut, let me eat a third of it, and then announce that breakfast was served and it was time to eat drab and boring eggs? The answer is no. Because I wouldn't surrender that bowl for the life of me. That's right. I would die for almond butter and chocolate. Does that constitute as grounds for an addiction? IDGAF. So don't answer that. Elle took one look at her salmon and sweet potato dry dog food and was like who da sh*t do you think you are Emily? Then she waltzed back over to her rib bone where she proceeded to chew on that thing like there was no tomorrow. So I yell at her and say Elle eat your breakfast. She picks up her bone, walks over to her bowl of food, and tries to eat both - AT THE SAME TIME. Idiot. I walk over to her and literally have to pry that thing from her clenched jaws of death. No seriously, German Shepherds have quite the bite. Look it up. Thank goodness she's not food aggressive (or aggressive in general) because I wouldn't have a hand anymore.

Here's the thing about Elle and raw bones: she was essentially raised on them. We would give her raw cow bones all the time and she would spend hours as a puppy gnawing on that tender marrow. She also ate raw food and that probably explains her habit of licking bison hemoglobin off my shoes when I spill it everywhere. I'm not exactly sure why we eventually switched over to dry food, but raw food is supposed to be much better for canine dental health. We won't get into that right now though. Time for the recipe, because I'm getting antsy.

Beefy Baked Italian-Style Cauliflower
Serves 4 (4 ramekins or 4, ~2 cup portions)

• 1 tablespoon Olive Oil
• 1 cup chopped White Onion
• 4-5 Garlic Cloves, minced
• 6 ounces ground sirloin
• 1/4 teaspoon sea salt
• 1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper
• 1/2 teaspoon course ground black pepper
• 1 1/2 cups sugar-free marinara (I used Muir Glen Garlic Roasted Garlic because I'm a garlic fiend)
• 2 ounces pitted Kalamata Olives, coarsely chopped (about 24, I did the math and counted them out based on the serving size, so you may want to double check me because I suck at math)
• 1 1/2 pounds cauliflower, cut into small florets
• Handful of raw almonds
• Handful of raw pine nuts
• Fresh or dried Italian Parsley for garnish

1. Heat a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add oil to pan and swirl to coat. Add onion and saute for about 4 minutes. Add garlic and saute about 30 seconds, stirring constantly as to not burn the garlic. 

2. Crumble in the ground beef, sprinkle with salt and the peppers and saute about 3-5 minuts or until browned, stirring to crumble. 

3. Stir in marinara sauce and olives. Lower to a simmer while you prepare the cauliflower. 

4. Preheat broiler (I used the high setting). 

5. Steam cauliflower 4 minutes or until crisp-tender, not too mushy.

6. While the cauliflower is steaming, take a handful of raw almonds and a handful of raw pine nuts and place in a food processor. Chop them up so they form a breadcrumb like consistency. Don't worry about making too much, you can eat the mixture plain like me or have extra "breadcrumbs" for the dish. 

7. When the cauliflower is done steaming, distribute them evenly between 4 ramekins OR an 11x7 inch broiler-safe baking dish coated with cooking spray. Top with the sauce mixture and if you're using the ramekins, jiggle the cups around so that the sauce sinks in between the crevices of the cauliflower. 

8. Sprinkle the almond and pine nut "breadcrumbs" evenly over the ramekins or the baking dish. 

9. Broil 2-3 minutes or browned. Be careful not to burn them like I did! Just keep an eye on them! Top with fresh or dried parsley and demolish. 

De-lish-ous.

These are not to be messed with. Honestly, the serving size should be 2 because 6 ounces of sirloin really isn't enough for 4 Emily sized people. I ate two last night as I said yesterday and I'll probably have 2 more for lunch. Who knows. These are incredibly amazing and even for you olive haters, the sauce masks them perfectly and Kalamata olives really have a nice subtle olive flavor rather than a more tart flavor. Time to hike! Enjoy :)

Thai Beef Cabbage Cups & Radish Squash Slaw

Today has been a pretty awesome day. I like being able to start posts like that. I'm tempted to share the recipe for what I'm eating right now I'm in such a good mood, but it'll have to wait. It's that good - you'll want to. So what has been good today? Well for starters I woke up feeling crummy thanks to yet another throat issue. I'm chalking it up to the 4 glasses of red wine I had this past weekend. I swear I didn't even feel them though...strange. Maybe it was throat poison. Damn you cheap bar wine. But wait Emily, that isn't good news... Of course it's not. But I pushed through the yuck and got myself out of bed and into the CrossFit Blacksburg box and did the 3rd Open WOD. Albeit, with modifications on the push-press weight and toes-to-bar (my flexibility sucks!) but I still kicked my own butt. Which was awesome. Total numbers ended up being 131 box jumps, 96 push-presses, and 72 knees to big ol' ground sloth belly.

I couldn't move my arms after. I literally sat in bed and wanted to cry for a good 2 hours. Once I gained some mobility in my shoulder joints I started posting things I've been meaning to sell on eBay. Holy moly that sh*t is complicated and tedious. PayPal? Money? What are these things? I ended up getting through 3 things and YAHOO one sold within 10 minutes of me posting it! I was super stoked.

After I finally got up to shower I decided Elle needed a long walk and I needed some cold remedies. We parked and walked through downtown Blacksburg all the way up to Eats Natural Foods where I scored a free sample of some immune booster - an elderberry lozenge - and got an herbal/zinc/aluminum concoction that helps fight nasty viruses. I also purchased SeaSnax - seaweed snacks. I shall now review these.

First thing that ran through my head: Is seaweed paleo? Meh they're on sale. And Wasabi flavored. Mmmm. I walk outside to where Elle was obediently sitting (shocker of the century) and open the pouch. BAM gust of wind - typical Blacksburg - bye bye first sheet of seaweed. I watch a dark green square flutter through the breeze (read: gale force wind) and land on a windshield. Then I quickly walk away. What? I didn't see anything...Then I look down into the container they come in. They're thin squares of seaweed that must weigh negative ounces. I had no idea how to eat them so I just stuffed a square into my mouth, causing it to get stuck on the roof of my mouth and send wasabi waves up into my sinus cavities. Yum. Long story short? Mom, you would love these. Seaweed lovers? You probably would too. People like me? Um, I paid how much for wasabi flavored air??? Yeah. They were on sale too. Next!

That wasn't so bad though. Our walk was lovely. My pits were sweating despite wearing deodorant and the cooling effect of the breeze. That was before my Americano too. I went to my favorite coffee house Bollo's Cafe & Bakery and got a 3 shot Americano hayoooo. Then Elle and I sat in the Farmer's Market Park where she proceeded to terrify people with little dogs. What did I tell you about little dogs people??

Don't be fooled, I had a treat in my clenched hand. 

Now here's the part that makes my day, possibly even my life. I'm all like alright I'm feeling a spending bug coming on. What do I want most? Le Creuset. Duh. So I decide to check out our local TJ Max (Maxx?) to see if they had any. Walkin' the aisles, walkin' the aisles - and nothing. Pissed. Then I realize there's like no baking-wear here. Must be in the wrong aisle. Dumb, Emily, dumb. I turn the corner and LO AND BEHOLD one. last. GREEN. Le Creuset baking dish. I squealed. That's not as cute of a sound as you think coming from me. Especially with this throat issue. Green is my favorite color too by the way. Best part? It was $16.99. SH*T YEAH TJ MAXX/MAX. So I picked up some 4$ ramekins too. And a basting brush. Total? 26 boners. Look at me now.

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. LE CREUSET!

So I'm like giddy as sh*t and super excited to make my dinner - which, as I've already said, was bomb. I'm on seconds now. Typical. Fat. Merh. And I'm now on ChowStalker!! Yay! Maybe people will actually want to read about my incredibly boring life! There's a lesson in all of this good day rambling too. Did you catch it? Today had its downsides. Sickness, eBay frustrations, close to death post-WOD, etc. But despite the crap I came out good. Why? I looked at the brighter things in my life. Sure they're random and probably only make me happy, but that's why you gotta find what makes YOU happy. That's the secret to life. Whatever works for you, works. Unless you're a serial killer. Then you should probably reevaluate things...

Before I get to the recipe of ze day I want to semi-review one more thing. Except it's not really a review because I'm going to be straight with you all and tell you this sh*t rocks up front. I've said sh*t a lot this post. My bad.

Todd's Bayou Dirt  is the best. It's an awesome blend of spices with no MSG or any other terrible crap like sugar. I could bathe in this stuff. It's spicy and wonderful and Todd, my friend, you are a genius. I put this on eeeverything. Kale chips and sweet potato chips mainly, but eeeverything. I highly recommend grabbin' some of this stuff, which you can do at Whole Foods.

Oven - 375*. 1 head of kale, washed &
torn into bite sized pieces. Toss with 2 tbsp
EVOO, sprinkle with Todd's Dirt, roast
in a single layer on a pan for 15 minutes.
Kill the entire batch. Which I
def did not do...

Oven - 400*. 1 med/large sweet potato,
slice with mandolin or knife into chips,
spray baking sheet with coconut oil spray,
sprinkle with Todd's Dirt, roast 8-10 mins,
flip chips over, roast 6-8 more mins.
Eat entire potato. Whoops.

Jeeze 3 recipes for the price of one? Just kidding. I'm awesome and give you guys these for free. Mainly because they're probably worth 2 cents at most. But hey, it's my 2 cents. And that should be special. Ok, so now starts the Emily paleo recipe modification marathon. Basically, I'm taking a sh*t-ton of recipes and paleo-fying them. It's a fun experiment and I test on myself so you all don't have to wince in disgust. First up? Thai Beef Cabbage Cups with Radish Squash Slaw. I had my friend Vicki over to test these babies out and she's looking to go Paleo so I was under a lot of pressure! The slaw is to die for. The cabbage cups are amazing as well, but I let them get too luke-warm before serving them. Toasty hot out of the skillet or cold from the fridge are the best ways to serve this dish. Flavors are on point though. Without further ado...

Thai Beef Cabbage Cups with Radish Squash Slaw

Serves 4 (Serving size - 2 cabbage cups w/ filling)

Slaw: 

• 2 tablespoons dark sesame oil
• 2 tablespoons white vinegar
• 1 tablespoon tamari
• 2 teaspoons honey
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 3/4 cup mandolin-sliced or julienne cut carrots (about 2 medium carrots)
• 3/4 cup mandolin-sliced or julienne cut radishes
• 3/4 cup mandolin-sliced or julienne cut yellow squash
• 3 tablespoons fresh cilantro

Cabbage cups: 

• 1 tablespoon + 1/2 tablespoon dark sesame oil, divided
• 2 teaspoons minced peeled fresh ginger
• 3-4 garlic cloves, minced
• 1 lb ground sirloin
• 1 tablespoon raw honey
• 2 tablespoons fresh lime juice
• 1 1/2 tablespoons fish sauce
• 1 tablespoon water
• 1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper
• 1/2 cup vertically sliced red onion
• 1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro
• 8 large green cabbage leaves
• 2 tablespoons coarsely chopped unsalted walnuts

Slaw: 

1. Combine oil, vinegar, tamari, honey, and salt in a medium bowl. 

2. Add the carrot, radish, and squash (I used the mandolin method). 

3. Toss to combine. Top with fresh cilantro and let chill in the fridge while you prepare the cabbage cups.

Cabbage cups: 

1. Heat a large, nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add 1 tablespoon of oil and swirl to coat. Add the ginger and garlic, cook 1 minute, stirring constantly. 

2. Add the beef, cook 5-7 minutes or until browned, stirring to crumble.

3. Combine remaining 1/2 tablespoon of oil, honey, lime juice, fish sauce, water, and crushed red pepper in a large bowl. Add beef mixture, onion, and cilantro. Toss well. 

4. Place 2 cabbage leaves on each plate. Divide the beef mixture evenly amongst the cups. Top with the chopped walnuts. Serve with the slaw aaaaand....Devour.

Yeah that picture of my developing calluses is to take up space. Deal with it. I'm proud of them. That's all from your two favorite weirdos. Unicarrot and sprawl-dawg. Seriously, I'm embarrassing. I'll stop now. Hope you all had as wonderful a day as I did! 

Lamb Chops with Spicy Cilantro Relish & A Review of PULP: Organic Acai Bowls & Smoothies

I'm eating beef jerky right now and Elle is staring at me salivating. I think that's hilarious. The me eating jerky part, not Elle begging. That's standard. A month ago I wouldn't be caught dead eating jerky. A month ago I also couldn't do a prescribed workout. Which I just did. For the first time. HOORAY! I'm absolutely tickled pink about this. Especially since I legit thought I was going to die after downing several paleo pancakes (recipe soon...to. die. for.) and then looking at the WOD. Somewhat miraculously though I shaved time off my mile and did the prescribed workout. These pancakes must give the consumer supernatural abilities. We'll get to those later on this week.

Oh and before we did the WOD I went to the bathroom and someone was like goin' to get rid of those pancakes? And brilliant Emily decides to respond, no I just wanna empty everything out before doin' burpees. Clarification: I was not going to poo myself. I have a tendency to pee when I get excited and hop up and down so I was ensuring that my bladder was relatively empty. Instead I came off as a gross weirdo. What else is new. Not that peeing yourself is any better...

Before I get to today's recipe I want to review a wondrous treat I was able to consume yesterday on my ride back to Blacksburg. As you may or may not know I'm a locavore. That means I only eat local, sustainably produced meat and, for the large majority of my purchases, in-season vegetables and I support local business ventures rather than huge corporate conglomerates. Sure I go to Whole Foods on the reg when I'm at home and Kroger when I must down here in Blacksburg, but I mainly go to locally owned stores. Buy Local. Eat Local. Live Local. I'm pretty sure that's Blacksburg's motto, but don't quote me on it.

Yesterday my tummy was growing quite ravenous as I was driving down the incredibly long and boring Interstate 81. I decided to stop in Harrisonburg, VA - home of James Madison University and a sh*t-load of chickens. There I had the privilege of eating the most amazing blended concoction ever. Within the open doors of the Shenandoah Bicycle Company a breeze flutters magically over their side project PULP: Organic Acai Bowls & Smoothies. This place is the monkey's bananas. I don't know if that's an actual saying but for now it is. I'll let their menu explain a little:

DO YOU SEE THOSE TOPPINGS??? DO YOU. Good. Because I'd get every one of them if I had enough money in da bank. But wait! This week is the Taste of Downtown festival or something in Harrisonburg and so you can buy 2 for the price of one! The guy at the counter was so nice and he clearly didn't know I could consume 2 easily so he let me buy one for half off instead. I seriously thought about going back after I downed mine in 3.4 milliseconds to get another but stopped myself for...well I'm not sure what reason.

In my bowl I got: Acai pulp base, Banana, Coconut Milk, Almond Butter, and Shredded Coconut.

WEgoiheglkashoqhoIEGHWO ohmygod. It was amazing. They blend all the ingredients together and sprinkle the coconut on top. Acai has this crazy chocolatey taste so it pairs amazingly with nut butters and - you guessed it - chocolate. The coconut milk balanced the flavors of the almond butter, banana, and acai so nicely. My experience at PULP was amazing. Great customer service. Great atmosphere. Ingenious idea. And amazing product.

Elle enjoyed licking the bowl clean for me. There wasn't much left in there. I tried to stick my face down in it to get as much as I could - it was that good - but my snout isn't long like hers. Damnit evolution. Give me a long snout for licking the inside of bowls. I'm sure my burpees, pushups, wall-facing squats, etc. would really enjoy a long snout smacking the ground/wall every time I completed a rep. All the more reason not to go down so low, right??? Nope. Fail.

That brings up a really silly mental image. Do people with ginormous noses smack their shnozz against the ground when they do pushups and stuff? One of the coaches yesterday told us we should be able to lick the wall when doing squats facing the wall. Hah, not without a thick coating of almond butter and dark chocolate syrup, coachy. C'mon meow.

Ok ONE more thing before I get to the recipe, I promise. So the other day I went to put on Pandora in the car. Mark and I share the same account because we listen to similar music so you can imagine my surprise when I go to the stations list and I see this:

See it? A couple down? Yup. Slut Radio. WTF is that sh*t? Of course I immediately text Mark and I'm all like what the heck bro, what're you doin' listenin' to Slut Radio. That ain't cool yo. He plays the whole, what're you talking about? card and tries to act like it was ME that was listening to Slut Radio. Honestly, neither of us has any clue how it got on there. Someone must be hacking my Pandora account and telling me to get my groove on. No thanks, mystery hacker. I'm good with my Hard Rock Strength Training station and Dillon Francis Radio. GET SWOLE. I'm embarrassing.

Lamb Chops with Spicy Cilantro Relish
Yields about 4 servings. Maybe less if you're like me.

Mmmm lamb chops. Not to be confused
with the popular children's TV show. 

Lamb:

• 1/2 tablespoon EVOO
• 1 teaspoon grated Lemon Rind
• 1/2 teaspoon ground Cumin
• Olive Oil Cooking Spray
• 1 (1 1/2 pound) French Cut Rack of Lamb (8 ribs), trimmed
• Sea Salt and Fresh Ground Pepper, to taste

Cilantro Relish: 

• 1 cup finely chopped Red Onion
• 1 Jalepeno pepper, finely chopped (seeded if you don't like the spicy goodness)
• 3/4 cup chopped Fresh Cilantro
• 1 tablespoon fresh Lemon Juice
• 2 teaspoons EVOO
• 1/4 teaspoon Sea Salt

Lamb Directions: 
1. Preheat oven to 400*
2. Combine first 3 ingredients for the lamb. Mix well.
3. Heat a large skillet over medium-high heat. Coat with EVOO cooking spray. Sprinkle lamb with 1/4 teaspoon salt and pepper. (See note below) Add lamb to pan - cook 2 minutes on each side. Spread oil, lemon rind, and cumin mixture over the lamb.
4. Move lamb to a baking pan if you don't have an ovenproof skillet. Place pan in the oven and bake for 15 minutes or until a meat thermometer registers 138*. Remove lamb from the pan and let stand 8 minutes. Cut into chops (see note below).


Cilantro Relish Directions: 
1. Heat a skillet over medium-high heat. I used the same skillet I cooked my lamb in to get some of those flavors incorporated in. Coat pan with cooking spray. Add onion and jalapeno, saute 5 minutes.
2. Combine onion mixutre, cilantro, and the remaining ingredients in a medium bowl. Serve alongside the lamb chops and enjoy!

**Note: the lamb I purchased from Ayrshire Farm was already pre-cut into chops. This is no problem for the recipe. I just lumped them back together and cooked them the same way I'd have cooked it if it were all one big chunk of lamb. Also a budget buy would be to purchase less expensive loin chops in place of rack of lamb!

I served mine alongside simple roasted brussels sprouts. Each serving should have 2 chops. I unfortunately only purchased 5 and so I only had one on my plate. Lamb is small too so you may want to consider plating it with something more filling. Mark was still hungry post-meal, but he eats like 6000 calories a day. Must be nice.

Thanksgiving In A Mouthful & Long-Weekend Catch-Up

You remember that whole thing about me not eating dark chocolate? Yea? Well it's kind of happened. Kind of. I've been really good at not eating straight chocolate morsels - an epic feat considering Whole Foods now places chocolate covered walnuts, almonds, coconut, bananas, and sigh ginger in every visible corner possible - but I've reeeeeally been letting chocolate slide if it's hidden. Chocolate protein shakes? Merhhhh, not really chocolate per say, I'll eat it. Chocolate Peanut Butter Swirl Coconut Milk Ice Cream? First of all, whoever invented this stuff is satan. I've crushed about 8 servings in less than 24 hours. Remember what I said about added sugar making my beloved almond butter taste nast? That does not apply in this situation. Anyway, clearly I've let that slide as well.

Then there's Ka-Wow Cacao. Emily, there's chocolate in it's name....Yeah. I get that. But I was ravenous, pissy, and needed something fast that wouldn't completely destroy my intestinal cells. Enter Ka-Wow from stage left. Sweetwater Baking Company based out of Floyd, VA dropped these little beauties into my life when I needed them most. They must lubricate their baking equipment with crack because these things are that. good.
They're almost completely paleo (if you eat chocolate), withholding turbinado sugar. But look at that. Goji berries, almonds, seeds, heaven.

In addition to my acceptance of Ka-Wow Cacao under my "no-chocolate-for-40-days" challenge, I've also been "cheating" with Paleo Treats. Their brand tag-line is "Rations for the Driven". Why yes, Paleo Treats, I am indeed driven to consume your tasty Cacao Now treats on the reg. The ingredients in these babies are as follows: cacao butter, cacao powder, honey, natural roasted almonds, raisins, natural roasted pistachios, raw goji berries. Yes. I'm addicted. So here I am now deeming cacao an essential part of my diet EVEN (or especially) when I've cut out dark chocolate. They were excellent to chow down on after a grueling WOD and pre-long drive home. Of course I didn't shower before the latter. That is indeed sweat gleaming on my upper brow. I am quite disgusting.

The sole painted hand. Damn you
ambidextrous mavens. 

You may have been wondering where I've been and what I've been doing. I know my life adventures in the kitchen & at the box must be enthralling for you all. But it's been tech's spring break so I've been at home, relaxing, antique shopping, perusing the aisles of my beloved Whole Foods, eating way too much almond butter and coconut milk ice cream, watching food network, and, of course, cooking. But we'll get to the bulk of those recipes in later posts.

I am in love with being at home. Minus the fact that I forgot almond meal at my apartment and can't bake with my newly purchased cacao powder and cacao nibs. Grrr. But the kitchen is spotless, the oven - amazing, the plates - from like 1980 and super ugly, but beggars can't be choosers. Besides my pictures never look very attractive. Pitfalls of using a camera phone to document your culinary adventures.

My ooooold kitty cat, Misty, is at home and louder than ever. I'm pretty sure he's deaf now and so in order to be sure he's heard he meows like an alley cat much louder than before when his hearing was intact. He's special. You may be wondering, wait Emily, I thought you said Misty...isn't that a girls name? Why yes. You're so observant. Mr. Mist was my fourth birthday present. That means he is, drumroll please, 18 years old! Holy crap my cat is legal to vote! But back then I saw no reason that a boy cat couldn't have a girl name. Besides he was beautiful. If I had been a terrible stage-Mom owner I would have whored him out to cat modeling agents. But I was too young to know I would be able to rake in the cash that way.

Just kidding, I love my Misty and he's not very cat-like so he probably wouldn't come prancing for Whiskies or whatever the cat-food brand is with beautiful, lustrous cat-models. Whiskies sounds wrong. Whiskies actually sounds like a dream-world for my former jack shootin' self. Eh, I could probably make an exception now-a-days if a whiskies adventure park were to open. None of this makes sense or is relevant. Thanks for bearin' with me.

This post has taken me forever to finish writing and, for that, I apologize. I'm back at my apartment now though so things can and will get back to normal. Home was, as I mentioned before, wonderful. I absolutely detest Northern Virginia/DC traffic, but luckily I've moved a bit further out into the sticks. I cannot even begin to explain how horrendous the traffic is though. I lost it the first day I was back. I drove out to Springfield to get some meat and had to take the beltway. On the way back I was so pissed about my experience at the butcher (which I'll get to in a second) that I absolutely lost my sh*t on the phone with Mark after hitting literally 7 potholes in a row. I seriously think my alignment is probably f*cked on my car now, but whatever. I don't wanna drive anymore anyway.

Back to the butcher. So I drove out to Springfield, VA which sucks and I'm sorry if you live there. I would kill people if I had to deal with that traffic and the obnoxious a$$holes in the parking lots. And your butcher. The butcher has, unfortunately, been a dying breed. I think they'll be making a comeback soon as the demand for sustainable, local, grass-fed meat HOPEFULLY rises, but we'll wait and see. This butcher looked legit. They had venison which I was super excited about and so I drove through hell and back to get there. I'm an annoying customer. Why? I ask a ton of questions. I prefer the term informed, but this woman who definitely ran the place saw me as annoying. Here's what I came to learn about this disappointing butcher shop:

A. Their deer meat was farm-raised. Um, I'm sorry...come again? I didn't even know farm-raised deer existed, nonetheless that people actually paid for that sh*t. Thanks to stupid people in charge of fishing and wildlife control over the past several years we have an outrageous deer problem. Luckily with the advent of the automobile we discovered a new, albeit awfully dangerous, way to help control populations. There are other ways as well but I don't feel like giving an ecology lesson at the moment. Ok, so problem 1 - farm-raised deer = no utilization of wild deer populations, which I'm guessing have better meat qualities than these farm-raised weirdos. I think a deer farm is weird. You should too. Problem number 2 - guess what farm-raised deer get stuffed full of? You guessed it! GRAIN. Do I need to explain any further? Good. Apparently this sh*t is normal at Springfield Butcher. Not for me.

B. We go for quality, not locality. I asked where the meat they sold was from. When the woman said the Mid-West I asked if they had anything local and that was the response I got. I'm sorry but locality carries a HUGE connotation of quality to me. The frozen ground beef I've gotten from my beloved Ayrshire Farm sh*t on the ground beef I eventually purchased from this god-forsaken butcher and it was FRESH. Oh and if you're going to make a claim about quality, I would suggest not saying...

C. Almost all of our meat is grain-fed. Excuse me? So you're trying to claim that your meat has a higher quality than that which would have come from a local source, yet those suckers are grain-fed? MOST LIKELY in a CAFO?? (Concentrated Animal Feeding Operation). This woman seemed appalled that I not only requested locally raised meat but grass-fed as well? Who did I think I was? An informed consumer, b*tch. That's who. I'm not going to go around just eating meat because it's placed in front of me and looks pretty. That's not who I am. We have a serious problem in our country of over-consumption, environmentally damaging livestock operations, and animal welfare. PLEASE, I beg of you, become an informed consumer and don't just buy what appears to be sustainable, quality meat.

Luckily, they ended up having some ground beef that was grass-fed and not too far removed from the local area. Guess what Springfield Butcher? I've had better. There. I said it.

After that rant it's only fair I give you this recipe. I made it before I went home and I was out of meat. This sh*t filled me up oh so well. Brought me back to my vegetarian days. Then the next day I was ravenous for meat. Thus leading to the butcher fiasco. Moral of the story? Always keep your meat stockpiled in that freezer, I tell you what. This stuff tastes like Thanksgiving in your mouth though. It's excellent. Adapted from the lovely kitchen over at Multiply Delicious. Enjoy!

Thanksgiving In A Mouthful: 
Makes about 2-3 servings

• 1 head of cauliflower, washed, and cut into florets
• 3 to 4 small to medium carrots, peeled and chopped
• 1 sweet onion, chopped
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 tablespoon fresh rosemary, minced
• 1 tablespoon fresh thyme, minced
• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• Salt and pepper to taste

1. Place cauliflower and carrots in a steamer basket in a large pot with boiling water almost touching the bottom of the basket, steam until soft (about 10 to 12 minutes, test with fork).

2. Heat 1 tablespoon olive oil in non-stick skillet on medium heat. Olive oil really works well with the fresh herbs here so I'd recommend sticking with it.

3. Saute the sweet onion, garlic, and herbs until onion is translucent.  Season with salt and pepper to taste. Set aside.

4. Place steamed cauliflower and carrots into a food processor. My food processor is tiny and I had to switch to my smoothie maker, but either will do. Add the sauteed onion, garlic, herbs, and 1 tablespoon olive oil. Process until smooth. Season with more salt and pepper if needed.

5. Garnish with additional fresh thyme or rosemary and enjoy that party in your mouth! Hopefully you do a better job of garnishing than I did. It looks like there's rosemary growing out of orange slush. 

Now a brief photo-dump to address some of what I'd been doing at home.

Mark all dyed-up at work trying to get Elle
to stand on a large barrel of some sort.

Crack. Needless to say I crushed these with
my mom in 2.4 seconds. She seemed shocked
that I consumed 90% of the package in one
sitting. Clearly she doesn't read this blog enough...

Mmmm Whole Foods omelette bar. Spinach,
salmon (weird, won't be doing that again),
tomatoes, onion, and I forget what else.
Obviously grape chia kombucha as well!
MOUTH PARTY!

CREEEEEEPY baby doll head chillin at
the antique shop. I love creepy stuff like this.

Antique pilot helmet. Seriously considering
going back to this store and buying this. It's
so awesome. And I look so ridiculous. Don't mind me..