Before & During

Seriously. I thought I was cute. Look at that face. And the pooka shell necklace. "Hey look I can lift a keg." False, 18 year old Emily. You are weak, chubby, and that keg is empty. 

This was me. A drunk college girl. Didn't really play sports in high school. Didn't really know what to do in a gym besides play on the elliptical and do 10 minutes of crunches. Didn't really know anything about eating right (clearly, look at those cheeks) and didn't really care about binge drinking. Actually, that's a lie. I cared a lot. Had to do it. Hence the belly (not too visible) and the ginormous boobies. Literally: GINORMOUS. I wish I had a picture of my former bra. It was hanging up in my apartment last year - an apartment fondly named "Hooter's Central" due to the enormity of the people who lived there's breastesests. I hated my chest pieces. Boobs = fat. Luckily MOST of my chub, unfortunately not all or I wouldn't be writing this right now would I, I'd be on the cover of some skanky hoe-mag makin' those dollas DUH, went straight to my chest. But they were gross in my opinion. Anyway the bra was a 34G or 34DDD. Now, 34 is a pretty small back comparatively speaking to what those letters following it imply. Cue back issues. So yeah, the bra. Wow. Glad those things are slightly diminished in size. They've still got a ways to shrink in my opinion. Yeah yeah yeah A-cups, the grass is always greener, trust me.

Fast forward a year and thanks to repeated dissections of any farm animal you can think of, in every condition imaginable aaaand you kind of lose your appetite for meat. So I went pescetarian, which means I still ate fish. Now, I won't try to pretend like there wasn't an environmental aspect to my decision. Simply stated, people are WAY too irresponsible with the way they consume meat. And products in general, but I won't stand on my soapbox just yet. We eat way too much, understand way too little, and are almost completely disconnected from the food and earth that sustain us. Yeah yeah yeah, I sound like a hippie, but it's true. You can bet your ass that cavemen didn't walk into Kroger or even Whole Foods and buy a rack of ribs from god-knows-where with god-knows-what in it. Maybe you're in shock from what I said about Whole Foods. I should be up front with you then. When it comes to most food items, and especially so with meat, I buy and eat local. But I'll get into that in a minute. So within the 3 1/2 years of pescetarian eating I looked like the second picture above: soft, chubby arms, face chunk, belly jiggle - you get the picture. I started eating "clean" eliminating simple carbs, white breads, white rice, you know the guidelines, but I felt like SHIT still. A. I was unhappy with my body, B. I yoyo-ed like I was a toy in the 90's, C. I would blow up like a balloon, have gut-wrenching GI pains, and experience a slew of other really unfortunate symptoms I won't detail for you all. 

I finally ended up getting sick of the pain, marched into my doctor's office in December, did blood tests for everything with a nurse who I'm pretty sure had no idea what the hell she was doing, and guess what? No full blown celiac, but I had signs of a gluten intolerance. Also my calcium levels were elevated, suggesting a parathyroid issue. So I go away to Phoenix, Arizona with my mom where I read Robb Wolf's The Paleo Solution and Timothy Ferriss's The 4-Hour Body and I make the decision to cut out ALL gluten. Even beer - whimper. I also make the decision to eat meat again - GASP - as long as it's locally and sustainably produced. Why? To stimulate the local economy. Because you can trace where the meat comes from. To eliminate MAJOR fuel expenditures to ship that cow-carcass from Texas or Wyoming or wherever. Because local farmers are often more willing to cater to the needs of the consumer living in whatever microcosm they're established in than the big corporate-owned feed-lots. Feed-lot implying STUFF that sucker full of GRAIN. Why? Government subsidies, faster feed to gain ratio, cheaper, stupid public that doesn't look into anything. Can you tell my education has made me somewhat bitter  and INFORMED about factory farming? So I start eating a paleo-4-hour hybrid diet. Incorporating legumes once in a blue moon, but mainly sticking to meats, vegetables, and nuts. Boy do I love nuts. And dark chocolate. Probably why I'm still quite soft, but whatever. I need to stay sane somehow. Then enter CrossFit. The picture on the left is pre-paleo/crossfit and the one on the right is shortly after both entered my life. Not TOO much of a difference yet, but it's coming along. I have more energy - despite getting up at 5 and 6am for the early classes, I eat like a mammoth and don't gain weight like one like I used to, I sleep like a baby, and my stomach issues have SIGNIFICANTLY diminished. They're not fully up to normal standards, but I also cheat with gluten-free (but still grainy) bread. Actually, I'm not cheating anymore. I finished my last slice the other day. So I'll update on whether or not things get better. 
The point of all this is, paleo & CrossFit have started to significantly change my life for the better. And I'm having so much fun cooking meat and trying new recipes, I just wanted to share it with someone. Because maybe you're like me and you're soft and have been for way too long and you want to be able to do a pull up and feel better and live deeper and THINK clearer.  Or maybe you're already in full on beast mode and you're looking for new things to cook and some weird humor. Whatever the reason, I'd like you to be there to experience my progress and help me out when I binge on ridiculous amounts of chocolate. And walnuts. And pine nuts. And almond butter. GOD THE NUTS. And because working out builds up the most important muscle in your body (in my opinion): your heart. And we all could love a little more (and yes I know the heart doesn't ACTUALLY do this, but whatever, endorphins contribute a little. They make you happy and happy people just don't shoot their husbands.)


  1. Hey, I was in your Crossfit class this morning! I love tequila and most other spirits... We can be friends! See you at the gym.

    1. YAY! Friend one. Hope to see you again soon Polly! :)