Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Bacon Brussels Sprouts

I am pissed. All I want to do while I cook is watch Chopped. Specifically, the Chopped Grill Masters qualifiers and championship rounds. Why? Because I have no grill anymore. And I'm sad. I'd like to reminisce about the days when I'd get off work at 11pm and perfectly grill kielbasas, bangers, and grillers from my favorite, local farm-store in the world, The Home Farm Store. I worked across from it over the summer. I salivated constantly as I stared out through my jailhouse window in my glorified hostesses sandbox, as I lovingly called it, thinking about all the delicious, local, humanely raised, sustainable meat just begging to be consumed. By me. Anyway, I digress. I can't fucking find Chopped ANYWHERE on the internet. What is this shit, UK? I can't even torrent download it. Not that I'd ever do that sort of thing anyway...But if I did, when I searched for it all that would come up would be weird fetish porn or something.

GUESS WHAT! I had my intro session at my new box today!!!! Only a freak nerd would get excited about working out at a new gym. Continuing on with the no-friends trend. Y'all are going to hear me bitch about that non-stop until it changes. So get used to it. Or be my friend. So 5:30am is early. I think we can agree about that. I can't believe I used to do that session at CrossFit Blacksburg. In fact, I think I only did it once. Or maybe even never. Who knows. My memory is fleeting. Continuing on though, 5:30am is brutally early when you're waiting at a bus stop and sleet, or really fucking cold rain, is whooshing at your face. I thought I'd found a refuge when I got to the bus stop, but no. Some fucking genius decided to build a bus stop on a bridge. So regardless of where you stand, you get pelted with ice particles. Despite the nonsense weather (which I should just get used to now) and the time of day I had an awesome time and I'm ridiculously excited to get back in the gym after a, gasp, whole 10 days off!! I'm so happy with my box-choice, which is - drumroll please - Crossfit Mission Training Systems - visit their website. It's so well done, unlike my blog. AND they're featuring my website on their Facebook page. So a big hello from the Paleo Ground Sloth! I look forward to meeting all of you and forcing you to be my friends! :) And of course I will second the suggestion for a pre-paleo challenge tequila party. I like you all already if you like tequila.

The biggest perk of my job over the summer was that I had constant access to food. 90% of the time this meant sweet potato fries that deeeefinitely weren't strict paleo. They were effing amazing though and I was already eating dairy. Do as I say, not as I do. I cut out nuts, and anyone who knew me before knows that required a HUGE amount of willpower. So I could give a hoot about the whole sweet potato thing. I can only do so much. To be honest though I forgot about nuts after like a week. Even candied walnuts. And almond butter. The cravings go away people I promise! Back to the job, so the menu featured a ton of local meat & produce. I got a ridiculous discount and I was there the whole damn night, so a girl's gotta eat. Especially this chunker. They had this amazing side...wait for it...bacon brussels sprouts. Biggest faileo was...they cooked them in olive oil, used nitrate ridden bacon, AND added brown sugar, which in my opinion is a completely unnecessary ingredient. I tried them, fell in love with them, then started to hate them once I overcame my post-coital food-orgasm, then made my own version. Holla for a dolla honey boo boo child. You're welcome.

A snapshot of my nightly meals. The chefs were super great
about accommodating my demanding diet. Avocados all day erry day.

Bacon Brussels Sprouts
I ate 90% of this in one sitting.
For normal people, 3-4 servings.

  • 1/2 lb pastured, sugar-free, uncured Bacon
  • 1 lb Brussels Sprouts
  • 1 tsp Cinnamon
  • 1 tbsp Bacon Fat 
    • Optional - if your bacon fat doesn't render enough fatty goodness
  • Salt & Pepper to taste
1. Chop that uncooked bacon using a sharp knife as coarsely or finely as you'd like. I went more on the coarse side because I like chunks of bacon in my mouth when I eat.

This was the size "chunk" I used
2. Trim the ends off of the brussels sprouts and remove any nasty looking leaflets. Using a mandolin (or grater) shred the sprouts into fine, wispy threads. This takes for-fucking-ever. Also, be careful if you use a mandolin. Another option is to use a food processor with a grater attachment, which I just now though of, which would probably make your life super easy and make the process go a lot quicker.
3. If you took the long route, while you're shredding the sprouts, add your bacon to a cold frying pan and gradually heat on low-medium. Once your fat has started to render in the pan, give the bacon bits a good stirring with a wooden spoon or silicon spatula. Let them get nice and golden colored.
4. Once your bacon has the midas touch, toss in the brussels sprouts and stir to coat the sprouts with the fat. 
5. Dust the cinnamon over the mixture then sprinkle to taste with coarse ground pepper and sea salt. Turn the heat up to medium, stir, and cover. Stir every 2-3 minutes or so. If you need to (or want to) add some more bacon fat. 
6. From the time you added the brussels sprouts, the whole thing should take about 10 minutes to cook. The sprouts will turn bright green and when they start to brown a little, the concoction is complete. 
7. Devour. And don't share. Eat on folks.



  1. Hi. Just found your blog. I also eat paleo, and do crossfit. I'm moving to edinburgh: nice to know there are other paleos there!

    1. Awesome!! Hoping the paleo movement grows here :) Have you looked into cf gyms in edinburgh yet??

  2. Yup. Ill be going to mts as soon as I sort out an injury.

    Any good paleo tips for edinburgh? Asian supermarkets, fruit and veg and meat shops etc?

    Thanks :)