Wednesday, April 25, 2012

What Not to Do: A Lesson In Stupidity

Weekly post numero dos! Aren't you all lucky. Today I'm going to share with you what NOT to do, and if you DO decide to be estupido like Emilita, then what TO do after. Oh boy, here we go...

SO, how to start. Well, prior to being a dinosaur eater I enjoyed a nice micro/craft beer. Like a lot. It was one of the huge reasons I was so hesitant to give up gluten in the first place. Give up an IPA, hell to the no, said former Emily. Mark and I especially liked them together. Who doesn't like to get tipsy with their significant other and wake up with a humongous belly and equally huge belly ache. Ah, young love. Well at my absolute faaavorite restaurant in Blacksburg, 622 North (CHEAT with the cheese plate. You won't regret it), there was a Dogfish Head Brewery Tap Takeover. Aaaand they had 120 Minute IPA. For those of you who aren't "in the know" in the brewery scene, this is a beer that is super rare and tastes like the sweet, 18% ABV nectar of the gods. I'd only had it once, and honestly, it was a bit too sweet for me - I prefer Hopslam by Bell's Brewery - but it's so rare you HAVE to go try it when it comes around. And try it I did. I prepared for days in advance by taken "Gluten Sooth" Enzymes and taking Activated Charcoal when I started to drink. I got pretty tipsy but I didn't feel all that bad the next day. Or the day after. So what did I decide to do?? Here's where it gets bad...

High off my "oh I found the secret to LIFE" vibes, I decided to drink more beer. At the Rocktown Brewfest in Harrisonburg, VA. Now, let's not think I was being totally reckless. I knew well in advance that these two events fell within 2 days of each other. I also wasn't planning on drinking beer after for a very, very long time. Or possibly never as the following events transpired...

Saturday, circa 2:30pm - Gluten sooth and activated charcoal: swallowed. 
3:00pm - First beer, some amber ale, I honestly forget. Weather report: blue skies, shinin' at meeeee....
3:14pm - ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. TORRENTIAL DOWNPOUR. WIND. RAIN. Weather goes from 0 to utter chaos in 3.2 seconds. Temperature also drops SIGNIFICANTLY. What was I dressed in? Oh just this...

Me hanging my head in shame over what I have done to myself.
It's only just begun........
My thoughts? Oh beer fest, oh nice spring weather, oh nice sundress, oh SHIT it's cold. Fast forward to the next day: throat closed, can't swallow, nostrils don't exist anymore - at least not that I knew of - head feels like a tractor trailer is constantly accelerating and decelerating through it. Fail, Emily, epic, epic fail. So what happened? Well if you don't get it by now, reexamine your life. No just kidding. Here, I'll break it down for you: 

Emily's Body: gluten approaching! >>>> immune response - All units respond to the small intestine! >>>>  Inflamation! >>>> Freezing Cold >>>> Sneaky, dormant virus - oooh it's my precious now >>>> immune system - muahah we defeated the gluten, wha- wait...AHH VIRUS >>>> epic chaos. 

I have such a way with words don't I. So you see, while my body was dealing with the sudden barrage of gluten, a sneaky virus capitalized on my stupidity and rose to power within my body. Emily, you idiot. So the next day I took it easy. Didn't get much sleep because I was on the worst futon known to man. Woke up, had some protein, drove back to Blacksburg, was diverted due to the freakin' blasts on 81 - like what even is that? - got in bed, took a 45 minute nap, drove my girls to soccer practice, stopped by Annie Kay's and loaded up to prepare for battle. An aside, I don't take conventional medicine unless it's necessary. This was not one of those times. I could break it down for you, but in the sake of time and so I can get to bed at a reasonable hour, I'll just list my weapons with a few notes. If you have any questions, as always, post to the comments! I'll be happy to respond!

Weapons of Mass Destruction:   
  • Water. Water. Water. and more Water.
  • Gingerade Kombucha - one a day
  • Grapefruit Seed Extract - 2x per day (THIS TASTES LIKE CAT VOMIT, but worse. Seriously, not to be f'd with)
  • Neti-stick with menthol, eucalyptus, peppermint, and lavender - whenever I could breathe any sort of air through my nose
  • Raw Green Bush Tea (plaintain coconut by Republic of Tea) - holy crap, when I could taste again (today) this stuff was amazing. But raw green bush tea is red tea that's raw. So it's still green because they lightly steam it at like 115* or something like that. Super antioxidant-y. Super yummy. And - no caffeine!
  • Elderberry & Zinc Lozenges - lifesavers. Zinc is awesome.
  • Acai Immunity Smoothie Pack - because I couldn't stomach real food and this felt awesome against my throat.
  • SLEEP - obviously my favorite part.  
Part of my arsenal.

Good, ol' bacon.
Today? I'm like a million times better. Take that conventional meds. I rock, you suck. But seriously. There are other ways around a cold. I tried so freakin' hard to get my hands on some bones/bone broth, but no dice :( I need to stock up on some beef knuckles next time I hit my butchers' shop. Or oxtail. Oxtail kinda creeps me out though, not gonna lie.

Oh and I've still been eating super boring - when I have been able to eat. I ate a ton of kale and sweet potatoes for the 2 days I was sick. And bacon. Bacon always makes me feel better. I'll post a recipe tomorrow for some awesome yumness the wonderful people over at CrossFit Blacksburg have already been privy too (lucky ducks, hopefully I won over some followers!). But tonight was my first cooking meal back (last night I had my tuna salad and sweet potate) and my plate was super boring, see:

2 mini bison sliders (pepper, salt, garlic powder, medium rare),
Bubbie's Saurkraut, sauteed spinach in the bison grease. 
That's my life. Do as I say, not as I do. This was an experiment and it sure taught me a lesson. I knew well in advance what I was getting myself into. I looked into that abyss and I jumped because I was staring back at myself, taunting myself to just try it (any philosophy nerds get the reference??). That my friends, is how people become addicted to drugs. And succumb to epic colds.

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